I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
