One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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