if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
