i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
