Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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