the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize