he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
