walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
