If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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