when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
