I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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