Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
