the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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