My liver just broke up with me...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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