remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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