I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
