Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
PANTIES FOUND
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