i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My bed is full of blood and feathers
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize