Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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