Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
