I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
