she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
