How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
