I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
