I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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