I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
