I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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