We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
