I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
