Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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