you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
