She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
