He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Randomize
