I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
