what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
