So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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