You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
