i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We don't watch enough power rangers
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
