Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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