I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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