At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize