There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
