Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
