the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
