A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
