shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
