dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
