His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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