The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
