I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
