Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
