Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
