Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
