god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
