Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
