Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
