I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
