It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
