WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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