he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
