I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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