I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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